How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Reality

Jesus should have had major insecurities: his closest followers couldn’t be trusted, and His hometown laughed him out of the city.  As the “Son of God”, he went 30 years without a supernatural display.  (I’m 29 – I couldn’t have kept up the tale that I was God without at least levitating a little or something by now.  By now my first miracle wouldn’t have been water-to-wine, it would have been smart-aleck-to-dust!)  He was born in a poor town, to a supposed “virgin” (not a tale they told proudly and often, I would guess).  His mommy believed in Him the whole time – hardly the confidence-builder a man needs to walk tall.  It is true that the whole rising-from-the-dead thing has had a great impact on His longevity as a history-changing powerhouse (request references for dispute of this point), but even before that, He walked around with the boldness of a god or a lunatic.  He boldly walked into lepers dens and other gatherings of terminal illnesses, he personally revolted against the leading religious establishment AND the leading military power of the time, plus He never seem fazed by the fact that he had no idea where his next meal or his next campsite was.  Fearless.  Most Sunday Schools will teach that it was because he humbly trusted God…hmmm.  If that’s the path to boldness, it’s sure not very practical for me.  “Just trust God” is a product, not  a method, unless the message is “ignore reality and hope nothing bad happens.”  No thanks.  I’m smarter than that, and the method is unscriptural anyway.  Here’s what I’ve done recently that has helped:

I recently started the helpful practice of making a list each month of all my real problems and all my real fears.  I find that most of my fears are about others.  This did not surprise me terribly, but the effect of making the list did!

Examples of fears about others:

I’m afraid my in-laws will…

I’m afraid my wife feels that I…

I’m afraid my boss thinks I am…

Direct communication is the answer to this type of fear for the people who (1) want to become better people or (2) don’t mind people thinking poorly of them, or some balance of the two.  (The third category of people who neither want to become good people nor want others to think poorly of them surely stopped reading at the second paragraph and are back to work, putting up a convincing front, developing a false persona, for which they will soon need to be medicated.  I don’t want to be that person.)

In most cases, I can directly address the fear by asking that person how they feel or what they think or what their plans are.  If they deny that my fear is legitimate (and are people worthy of trust), I give them the trust of which they are worthy.  At that point, the conflict is between me and myself – I am my own prisoner until I have faith in reality instead of letting my insecurities dictate my quality of life.

If, however, they confirm my fears, I no longer have a fear; I have a situation to process – a problem to solve…which is far better to me than the uncertainty of fearing that it might be a problem.  I can dismiss it if the situation is not worth fixing (for example, with a co-worker who thinks I’m not nice because I don’t say “hi” enough…I may choose to write that off if I determine that I am unwilling to spend the time it would take to appease her) or I can set out steps to solve the problem (for example, if my mentor thinks I am unreliable, I tell him I want to change and ask him to partner with me to become the person I want to be, setting up goals, rewards, and consequences).

The only times I won’t address the person are when (1) I know I’m not going to trust what they say anyway or (2) when they have already addressed the issue fully with me, to the satisfaction and assurance of clarity for all who are involved.  In the second case, I simply review what they said as if they were saying it again and process that information.  In the first case, I try to weed untrustworthy people out of my fears and out of my responsibilities.  While I am willing to give to them, my life is ever a wreck when those types of people can affect whether or not I am successful with my responsibilities.  In relating to them, I will keep the focus on their success and my investment in them rather than allowing them to play key roles in my own success.

After addressing the types of fear about others (usually by direct communication), my fear list helps me focus on fears about myself:

I’m afraid I will fail at my business.

I’m afraid I won’t be able to pay my bills.

I’m afraid I won’t know how to help my boy become a man.

I used to wait until these things were monstrous, then process them with my wife.  She would tell me I had nothing to fear.  I wouldn’t believe her.  I would still fear them.  They would become monstrous…wash, rinse, repeat.

Now I let my pessimist have a say: “So, what will happen if I can’t pay my bills?”  Without fail, my instant reaction is not an actual answer; it’s usually something like “That would be so terrible!” or “That would hurt so much!” …neither addresses the question “What would happen?”  When I can finally drill down on what would happen, I find that in the end, I would still be living and still have things for which I could be thankful (and usually have less stress).  Example: If I can’t pay my bills, I may have to sell a lot of stuff, downgrade to one car, lose the house, go bankrupt and live in an apartment.  In other words, I’d be forced to live within my means.  No more worries about a house payment or upkeep on multiple vehicles and other stuff I don’t need.  My credit would be wrecked so that no one would give me a loan, which would probably have prevented the financial trouble in the first place!  If I fail at my business, the same things could happen, but I will definitely learn some lessons along the way and I won’t wonder forever, “I wonder if I could have…”

And here’s the key for me: I persist in pushing away the emotion so I can focus on the facts.  I can potentially stick “…and that would be so terrible,” at the end of any of the possible endings, but I don’t.  I don’t know how terrible it could be, so I focus on what might happen, not how I think it might make me feel.  While I don’t want it to happen, I won’t die, and I would probably find some new growth potential there.  My outlook in the situation will usually dictate how I feel about it.  When I assume I will hate some feared situation, I am assuming I will have a bad attitude about it when I get there.

If you think I’m getting overly optimistic or sappy, try it.  When I accept the situation as if it were happening, almost 100% of the circumstances I could fear are bearable.  The truth is that no matter what, I am going to have pain, so the question is, “Where do I want to have the pain – in experiencing life or in trying to avoid experiencing life?” 

That’s it: Speak candidly.  Imagine the worst.  Don’t take from untrustworthy people.  When truth is evident and the worst possible scenario is a bearable situation, risk decreases, confidence increases.  Fear is eliminated and success is a possibility.  Make a list and tell me how it goes.

NOTE: Eliminating fear and eliminating stress have been two entirely different struggles for me.  Now, instead of eating to comfort myself and calm my fears, I frequently forget to eat because I’m so busy working on things I am excited about.  It might not be a whole lot healthier, but it’s so much more fun!